The Monkey Beating Festival
My dolphin friends were a curious lot. I never tired of studying their mysterious ways and customs, though I was compelled to educate myself in these matters from dry land in the main. But on occasion, they would take me for a short outing in the pristine lagoon that was my erstwhile home. I would marvel at, as I clung to a mighty fin, their subtle and fervent mastery of the blue water. And after years of this close examination, I learned many wondrous things, not least of which was the ordering of the dolphin family.
   For a strong and pugnacious dolphin male would take for himself several wives and create a harem to his liking, much as his human counterpart was wont to do in times past. This structure was never a catalyst for resentment or jealousy among my cetacean brethren, but many a problem has it engendered in those of us that must go upon two feet. This then is a tale of such trouble and how through my mastery of solubility, I averted disaster once more and won the praise of many.
   It was in the latter part of the 16th century that I received an urgent communiqué from the Rajah of Jodhpur. I had been in Agra, officiating at the Kupar Dulma, the annual Monkey Beating Festival so I was already close at hand. The dispatch I had been handed was tersely worded, but between the lines, hurriedly scrawled, I sensed tragedy in the offing. Knowing that the direst need was upon me, I made plans to depart at once and seven days later, when the festival was over and all the monkeys had been chastised for the coming harvest, I began the long walk to Jodhpur.
   Six weeks later, upon my arrival the Rajah himself greeted me on the steps of his splendid palace, his eyes wild with fear, made all the brighter and maniacal by the dark circles beneath that betrayed many a sleepless night. "Master Akiryon!" he cried. "At last you have come. I have been in sore need of your mighty wisdom, champion of solubility that you are. The situation has become unbearable, hopeless. I am at the very perimeter of my wits!"
   "Ah," I replied, "it is as I feared. Demons in the shape of hideous rat-like creatures have invaded the palace's inner vestibule and have forbade entrance thereof with their constant, high-pitched singing of old folk songs and the smell of wet dogs!"
   "No, not exactly, Master Akiryon."
   "Ah! I have it! Giant pigs with the ghastly faces of she-devils have made your kingly bath their daily wallow and forbid you to bathe and now your own stench compels you to seek an untimely death at your own hand!"
   "Well, no, Master, not quite. It's my harem. They simply refuse to cohabitate with one another in peace. They will not share the food or clothing and fight like a hundred wildcats all through the long night. Even in my chamber their is no respite as their caterwauling echoes throughout the palace. Can you not save me from this horror?"
   I gazed blankly into the frightened eyes of the Rajah and smiled, "Calm yourself, Your Highness. All shall be set aright. Tonight you shall sleep and make regal love to the woman you choose without let or hindrance and peace shall rule the ladies' chambers."
   Forthwith I strode to the oda, the harem room and called the women together. Anon one hundred of the most beautiful flowers of India sat arrayed at my feet. "Gentlewomen," I began, "I am newly come from the Kupar Dulma, the Monkey Beating Festival at Agra where I oversaw the chastisement of 7,000 of the most unruly primates that have ever hurled a feces at a passing rug merchant. I have suggested to the Rajah, your loving and much tried husband, that we apply the same principles here in his palace to deal with your waywardness and constant bickering. I have sent for the whips and the best beaters of Agra to wield them upon your naked, cringing flesh. In this way you shall learn love, to behave, to share amongst one another, and treat each other with sisterly kindness instead of jealousy. I reckon a full year or two of such treatment should suffice to correct this embarrassing flaw. If not, I have yet more time to spare for your enlightenment."
   "No please, Master!" the one hundred cried as if one woman. "Not that. We shall behave. We promise!"
   "Very well, but I was quite looking forward to this remedy. I suppose I can send to Agra and rescind the order for the whips. Then I shall apply another, though less interesting, method. I shall teach you to share and be loving to one another. We start forthwith!"
   For the next week I spent my days among the harem, encouraging them to treat each other with love and honor, squelching any little tiffs before they could flare up. Never has such a change come so quickly, but a gentle reminder of the whips, and my aching and overweening desire to witness their application, kept the women on their best behavior. At the end of the week, the Rajah was beside himself with joy, and thanked me most profusely, lavishing me with kingly gifts. As I was leaving for yet another urgent call, I stopped back at the harem for a last glimpse of my handiwork. I recoiled as I heard what I thought to be a argument.
  "It's yours, I tell you," one of the ladies was saying to another. "I should never have worn your sari without your kind permission.
  "No, it's your sari to wear whenever you choose, my sister."
  "No, closer than friend, it's your sari."
  "Ladies, ladies," I interupted, "I am gladdened that you have taken my teachings about sharing to heart and that the many-headed beast of jealousy has departed from these quarters. Your sisterly love is a bilious joy to behold. But remember this, you beauties who have been spared the lash, that I can summon the beaters in a twinkling should it be deemed necessary. And forget this not again: Love means never having to say "your sari".

Dolphins, reincarnation, New Age, philosophy, humor, poetry, teaching, ascended masters, fish, Baba, crystals, spirituality, karma, India, idiots, Akiryon Baba Yat, The Dolphin Sky Foundation, zen, transcendental meditation, past lives, fish, satire, religion, religious satire, sufism, cetaceans, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Eastern religions